Contemplations

I've been told by someone who knows me better than any other, that my blog is rather an odd collection of shallow topics gone in depth. He mentioned how this is much unlike me, as I'm not a person who likes shallow, I crave depth like a sea mammal craves water with a deeper shade of blue. And he's right that I write of things in this manner.

I write to the shallow because this is my de-stress blog of nonsense, a place where the unimportant and nonchalant simply flow from my fingers onto the screen. That and, quite frankly, I've been told I am "too intense" of a person--who wants to be around someone who "has a plan for everything?" Not too many people, I gather (except for businesses that need a cut-throat CEO who gets PAID to have a plan for everything!). And that is the reality of the world I live in. That is the reality of a person with a "leader's personality" (as I've been told I have, curse me!). The vast majority is looking for the ease of following the path worn well enough to travel easily, they look for the rise with the least resistance, the boat with the sails.

And then there are those who belong to the (sick) personality race of my own; ones who see a different way, a new way, a way with possibly much pain, suffering, and toil, but a way of greater value, of a vaster depth; a more satisfying way. We are but a dime a dozen, but we are the movers and shakers of the world who have visions and dreams, whose annoying "unspontaneous-ness" (and I do believe that's a relative term) can keep a crowd in control and move a large mass towards a purposeful goal. Isn't there value in that?

So much of our strengths are also our weaknesses.

Being a person of my traits can be a very lonely walk. There are few that want to be blasted with the intensity of such a person. There are even fewer that will ever get close enough to see the tender depths of such a confident shell. And it is these few that can cause the greatest joy, and ultimately the greatest pain. And such is life.

* I like 4 ice cubes in my glass. More than 4 and I can't drink my drink, less than 4 and there's just too much space for the fluid to roam freely.

* I rarely have a favorite anything. I like variety and change, within a certain parameter.

* I am spontaneous, but only when I feel safe enough to be such.

* I am fiercely loyal to those close to me, but once you break my trust, I will hold you at arms length quite possibly, for forever.

* I am confident in all I choose to do, but sometimes question who I am as a person--this bothers me.

* I hold things close to my heart, good and bad alike. There are some things that I have never, ever shared with another person, and probably never will.

* I don't like talking on the phone and rarely do.

* I enjoy working hard, even if it's 'just' in a domestic realm; I have no respect for people with a poor work ethic.

* I am claustrophobic.

* I love children--all of them. Yours, mine, theirs; I love them all.

* I can handle being the only adult with 30 children, but put me in a room with 30 adults and I'm looking for the nearest exit.

* I can be the main speaker at an event for more than a hundred people and never break a sweat, which is good, because one time I completely forgot to wear deodorant.

* I have a hard time coming to a complete stop at all stop signs, and I often run the ones that are at railroad crossings.

*I live a passionate life, and can't understand how one would live, be it not passionately.

* I don't sleep well due to stress and the numerous burdens I carry on my extra large shoulders.

* I don't know how to not carry large burdens, as a passionate person cares deeply about people and things, situations and life in general. I think there may be medical records showing that passionate people die young.

* I enjoy the domestic task of laundry now that I have a pretty gray kick-butt washing machine.

* I enjoy improving my corner of the world, making it a pleasant place, wherever it may be.

* I still don't like fish.

*I don't know that I'll ever like fish again.

*I fear the ocean, being on the water, as I don't know what lies beneath.

* I fear situations that are like the ocean, where I don't know what lies beneath.

* I love music. A friend once told me that my music is an extension of myself. I think she was right.

* I don't write much music anymore, I miss that.

* I sing at the top of my lungs when no one else is in the car with me.

* I don't like to sing in public, especially when I'm mic'd. People see me do it so often, they probably think I enjoy it. Couldn't be farther from the truth!

* I don't like to hear myself sing on my own cd's. Too bad I have children that like to listen to them.

* I was supposed to be deaf by the time I was in my 30's, so the expert said. My desire to prove him wrong has been sweet.

* I don't like to wait. I know this is a character flaw, but on the flip-side, its strength is that I'm a 'get 'er done!' type of gal.

* I don't like doctors.

* I especially don't like doctors that just want to cut things out of my body.

* I love Ben & Jerry's. But I did pass them by in the aisle today, saying "I'd love to get together with you, but you know I'll have to run 15 miles just so you don't stay with me. I'm sorry, my love, but I'll have to pass."

* I think sometimes that I think, process things, more like a male than a female. Is that wrong?

* I like things blunt. I enjoy frilly words and metaphors, just not when I'm trying to work out a situation.

* I have a friend who once called me a "word smith." Perhaps she's never heard me be blunt.

* I am sometimes too blunt.

* I am getting better at not being so blunt. I think.

* I enjoy a good challenge, but sometimes need a cheerleader to get me across the finish line.

* I'm going to run a marathon in May. I started this journey not because I loved to run, but because I liked the idea of doing something that very few people can do. Now I love to run and enjoy the satisfaction that comes with it. I smile when I think of being able to tell my great-grandchildren, "Yes, my dears, these weak little legs were once strong enough to run 26.2 miles..."

* I hate hypocrites. And I am one right now.

* I don't know who I am right now, but I can't say that I like her.

* I have much work to do and a little girl to feed. Time to make my exit.

So, is this a bit more in-depth for you, and less of a kiddie wading pool? For, you know, blue is my favorite color.

Especially a deeper shade of blue.