Homework

So here I am again, one click away from deleting this blog.

Partially, my little blog, I want you to disappear, as you remind me of painful times, of dark hours that ramble on without end. And yet, I want you to stay, for you often bring me the comfort of a crisp, clean page; much like freshly washed sheets drying in the sunshine, flapping softly and complimenting the vast blue sky.

Thus, I go to delete you, but instead I find your blank canvas inviting, beckoning me to visit a while, to stay, to release what often is locked away in my head space, guarded and tucked out of sight.

I have been given homework which I must take seriously. By nature I am very serious, so this will fit me nicely, but I am really struggling with the assignment. I am used to things coming easily to me. I am accustomed to knowing how to do something intuitively, even if I've never done it before. I am studious enough to hunt down and find whatever information I must posses to do a task in the best (and most efficient) manner possible, yet I am frustrated by this assignment: Take Care Of Yourself. I draw a blank. I am confused. I don't even know what the proper definition of this grouping of words is. I can pick out the verbiage and diagram its parts, but I do not understand it's meaning.

So, my brain analytically goes through the list of knowns for proper body care: eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. These I can do. These I have done (minus the gargantuan amounts of ice cream I've ingested in the last few years, and perhaps the piling up of sleepless nights). These things I understand, comprehend, and enjoy doing. I can accomplish this: check! Let's scratch that one off the list.

Then there is be healthy: So, my brain takes the above and mixes it with the practice of medicine, planning to visit good ol' doc next week or the week after to retest my deficient thyroid and steal my blood to test for RA and Celiac Disease. I can accomplish this: check! Off the list you go.

But then I start to stumble, as I look at the 3 R's: rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. These three things are foreign to me. Yet I fear that if I do not incorporate them, my end shall come before I see my great-grandchildren.

And typing this, I realize, I am exhausted.

Were I to sit and think about it (but who has time for that?), I would find that deep within the recesses of my being, there is a woman who has been through too much, done too much, and taken on too much. Perhaps her name is just that: Too Much.

I will have to think on that.

Because, after all, who defines what is "too much" and thus, in contrast, what is "too little?" And what does one do with their bias from environment and social circles which contaminate said definitions?

Ah, but I am to "take it easy." Perhaps taking it easy does not involve defining words? I do not know at this point. For being a very decisive person, I find myself being completely indecisive. How foreign.

Homework, on my day off? What type of life is this?!